Head, Shoulders, Boobs and Butt, Boobs and Butt

Hey there kiddos. I know, I know I'm late, but you know what? Maybe I have a life too. Ever think about that? Maybe I like to hang out with friends, or fraternize with the opposite sex. Maybe I'm just such a player, that I just don't have to blog because ass and titties just take up all of my time. Alright, maybe not, but theatrics aside, I am actually quite surprised at what the majority of girls think guys look for in the opposite sex.

Ah, Girls. Women. Females. Whatever you want to call them. I personally think they're a lot like flowers. They're pretty, they smell good, and there's ALOT of them. But just like flowers, there are millions of different girls in this world, and each one has a different type of beauty to them.

In today's mass media world, it seems like the idea of the ideal female has been warped into a cookie-cutter image that all girls think they have to follow. But ladies, listen up. It may seem like that everyone only likes the girls you see in magazines or on TV, but the simple fact of the matter is, that's not true. Every guy (and even some gals) have their ideal women. You don't need to have massive tits or giant ass to be beautiful. There are 6 billion people on earth, and chances are that at least one of them is going to find you to be their ideal woman.

To give you an idea of the different tastes that are existent in our male population, I'll use myself as an example. Now I know I'm about to sound like a huge hypocrite right now, but my idea of an ideal women is not far from what our media perceives as "ideal". HOWEVER, (At least in my opinion) there are definite differences in priority.

I'm a busy guy, so to keep it simple I developed an acronym to help me prioritize the features that I look for the most in girls: FS/SHLABB (pronounced, "fishlab"). FS/SHLABB stands for: Face, Scent/Skin, Hair, Legs, Abs, Boobs, and Butt. If you have these eight things, then, at least physically, you are my ideal girl.
But before we start, I think it's important that you understand what the science behind attraction is. Now most people know when they're attracted to someone, but
most people don't know why they’re attracted to someone.

Now, being super general here, and once again I stress SUPER general (it's much more complicated than I'm about to make it seem), when we feel attracted to someone, it's usually because they have traits that, in the end, we perceive would be advantageous to our offspring. For example, that’s why some girls like guys with big arms. Way back when, we were cave men, generally the guys with the larger, muscular arms were the good hunters, and thus would be able to provide for a mate and offspring more efficiently then a scrawny toothpick would've. That has been preserved in our genetic memory, and is still evident today, explaining why most girls would rather go for a man that is fit, rather than someone who isn't.

Same goes for guys. Once again, being general here, but the reason most men are attracted to larger breasts is because larger breasts usually mean more milk for offspring, which increases their chances of survival, and broader hips means a woman is able to bear many children, hence making it more likely that one of them would survive to carry on the genes of the father.

This theory can also explain the reason behind shifting beauty values in society. For example during the Renaissance, bigger, more voluptuous (chunky for you dumbasses out there) women were considered beautiful. It's because back then, being larger meant you had more fat, and therefore more energy, and in an age were famine and disease were all over the place, energy was good. But in the twenty first century world, where medical science and modernized farming have seriously reduced the risks of these hazards, an overweight person is considered unattractive, as they're traits are no longer advantageous.

I could go a lot deeper into the subject but I don’t want to bore you. Now that you have basic knowledge behind sex appeal, I can properly elaborate on my fishlab list.

Let's start with the feature I find the most important: The face. Referring back to the whole genetics thing, the face is pretty much a window into the gene pool of a person. Ever notice how you're more attracted to someone who has a nice face but a bad body, as opposed to a nice body but a hideous face? That’s because a good body indicates "advantageous" genes, but an attractive face indicates healthy genes. As human beings, our largest fears is that our children are going to inherit some fucked up gene that will cause genetic instability. Anyway, personally the first thing I look for in an attractive face is the actual structure of the face. The features should be proportionate and generally on the smaller side, (the exceptions to this rule are usually eyes and lips) and should be as symmetrical as possible. Other than that, I can’t give you much insight on the types of faces I like. As long as the proportions you have work, it's generally attractive.

Next is the Scent/Skin combo. Now, if you know anything about me, you know that my largest pet peeve is lack of personal hygiene. I don’t care how good looking you are, if you smell like shit, I'm out. Come on girls, it really shouldn't be that hard to brush your teeth, to bathe at least once a day, and to wipe your ass after you shit. If you don't have a strong scent, that’s good, but if you have an attractive scent, that’s even better. It doesn't even have to smell necessarily "good" (you know like perfume…I would see a doctor if your natural scent smelled like that). I personally like the kind of raw, healthy, sex appeal-esque scents. Have a bad scent? Buy some perfume and for god's sake wear deodorant. Moving on to skin. If you have a pretty face, a good scent, and nice skin, I'm already pretty attracted to you. Flawless skin is one of THE largest turn-ons, not only to me, but to guys in general. I'm not saying it has to be like a blank slate, you can have like a beauty spot here or there, but it has to be even, in color and feeling. No bumps. Acne is a huge no-no. And girls, please try to keep your pores clear. Nothing ruins an attractive girl like black spots all over her nose. Also, try not to be like paper. No one likes pale girls. Think of it this way: Do you really want to blind your lover when you take off your shirt to make love? No you don't. So get a tan. But don't get carried away. He has to be able to find you under the covers after all.

Hair. This is a biggy. Where to have it. Where NOT to have it. Let's start with hair on the head. Although it varies with different guys, in general these are the different impressions hair gives off: Straighter= Sex appeal, Wavy=Elegence, and Curly=Playfulness. Length usually is associated with how tough or feminine you are, longer being more feminine, shorter being more masculine. Personally, I really like straight hair, with a nice silky texture, and a healthy amount of gloss in it. A little wavy mixed in is cute too. No curly though. At least not for me. Now where NOT to have hair. If anything, please, PLEASE, shave your armpits. I want to go on a date with a woman, not George of the Jungle. Also, please shave your legs. Hairy/prickly legs can ruin sex appeal. Now the age old debate…How much is acceptable around the crotchal area? Here's the thing. Guy like completely shaved, but girls don’t. There's a variety of reasons for that, and most of them are valid, but that doesn’t mean that pubic hair is any less nasty. So lets compromise. You don’t have to shave it completely, but that doesn’t mean you have to grow a banzai tree down there either. Keep it short, neat, and trimmed, and guys, be respectful of their opinions.

Most girls don't really think of legs as the first thing guys think of as sexy, but girls, make no mistake, leg's can be very sexy. In general, attractive legs should be long and graceful. But that’s not to say larger, toned legs can't be attractive either. Legs really help accentuate the feminine form, and although not that sexy on their own, nice legs will really up your sex appeal as a whole. Try to keep them clear of blemishes, indents, bumps etc, and you're good to go.

Abs are a controversial topic among guys. Some find them really hot, others are repulsed by them. Personally, I'm extremely attracted to subtle, but still toned, abs. If you got like the Arnold thing going on, that’s a bit much for me, but in the right amounts, abs muscles can be very sexy. Also, It helps if you got the classic hourglass shape. It doesn't have to be as defined as you think, but it really ups the hot factor when girls has a wide chest, a more narrow midsection, and wide hips.

Next is every guys' favorite. Titties! boobies. flesh pillows. funbags. breasts. The list goes on. This is where I'm not much different from most other guys. In general, I'm attracted to the slightly larger ones. HOWEVER, don't get the idea that just because you have large breasts, that makes you attractive. They have to be propionate to your body. In fact, it's a lot more attractive to see medium sized breasts on a medium sized girl, than mongo breasts on a small girl. A lot like legs, boobs in general are there to enhance the female form, so when they get too big they can really throw off the proportions, and then you just look like a freak with two watermelons dangling from your chest. Also, size is definitely not everything, in fact it's secondary to shape. It's much, much better to have firm, full breasts than it is to have huge sagging, malshapen ones. As far as nipples are concerned, smaller the better. If you have big pepperoni tits, go see a surgeon. No exceptions. No guy will EVER find them attractive. I'm sorry

And last, and in this case least, are the butts. If you're lacking in the chest area, a cute behind can really help you salvage your sex appeal. It's really sexy to see those nice, tight asses, that kind of stick out. Don’t get these confused with just a big ass. Cute butts stick out slightly and are proportioned well, while huge asses just look like you are carrying airbags up your butt. Once again the contribution curves make to the female form is imperative, and a nice ass really helps you get that S-line curve.

In conclusion, Ihope that I have not offended anyone too much, but like I said, this is just my opinion. I guarantee you that someone will find you beautiful, so girls don't fret, and just keep looking, and you'll eventually find someone who appreciates your body. Until next time, stay pretty!

Darn I Broke my Vagina...But it's okay because my Mouth is Fine

It seems like the world is slowly degenerating into a very chaotic place indeed. China and America are waging economic war, Poland is without a government, and KFC just released the Double Down. But even with all these groundbreaking events transpiring around the globe, a simple and unfortunate fact remains: High Schoolers just don't give a fuck.

It seems that the morals that all major religions, institutions, and parents have been preaching have rotted and deteriorated to the point where most teenagers can't spare even a moment to consider the plight of any other aside from their own godamn selves. But it's not this self-centered trend that is bothering me the most. It what we kids consider "important" these days.

I always thought that prioritizing was a very important step in being successful through your high school career. Obviously many of my peers don't share my views. Here let me give you an example

One day during Chemistry, we were split up into different groups to do a lab. So my usual lab group and I got started. We were real careful and measured everything out exactly cause we knew that labs were worth about half our grades in that class. But as we continued we started to hear some conversation coming from the lab table right behind us. It turns out that a group of junior girls had decided to take up residence in the table right behind us. And I'm not going to lie. These bitches were SLUTS. And I don't mean Megan Fox slutty. I mean Jenna Jameson slutty. Low cut shirts, exposed bras, g-string hanging out like nobody's business, these girls were putting most adult movies to shame.

Now, I can understand (and appreciate) how girls dress these days. People want to look good. and the idea of "looking" good has come a long way from the whole Marilyn Monroe "holding dress under steam" thing. So as our group continues to do the lab while listening to these bitches' conversation. So first I heard the usual slutty girl stuff. "Like OMG, is that a new bra?". "Like, OMG, how did you know?". "Like OMG, it just made your boobs look so much bigger!". And yes. All of this was followed by that dumbass Beverly Hills girl laughter that makes you want to punch them in the dick.

Then they started talking about all the slutty activities that they had ever done in their entire life. Whether or not the spit or swallow, or have taken it up the butt, the whole nine yards. Then one of these girls says something that nearly gave me a damn heart attack. She said "Yeah I've had sex before, but I'm afraid to give a blowjob."

Your afraid to give a blowjob? You've taken it in the vag, and you're afraid to give a blowjob? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?! Are you retarded? You've had something up your fucking, dirty-ass, Crab-ridden, vortex from which nothing ever returns, but you're afraid to put something in your mouth? That's like saying, I've put a knife up my dick, but I'm scared to put in my mouth. What the hell.

Now I bet your wondering how this relates back to the decline of priorities I was talking about earlier. Well let me explain the many things wrong with the story I just told you. One, that bitch was a class-A fucktard. Two, She thinks that giving a blowjob, is less extreme then fucking. Three, all the while these girls were talking about this, they were fucking up the lab. That proves two things to me: Their priorities in their sex lives are obviously really jacked, and they think taking about vaginas and buttsex is more important than doing a lab that is about ten percent of your grade. It turns out that they all failed the lab and, because they has already failed most the other ones because they were talking about something else just as stupid, they ended foaling the class.

Boys and girls, if there's one thing to learn from this, it's that you should learn to walk before your run, not the other way around, or you'll end up losing your virginity and failing chem at the same time.

It feels so good to be back

Well I'm back. I know ya'll haven't heard of me in awhile..Wait, you haven't heard of me? Well guess I'll have to introduce myself. Hello, my name is Nate, and I don't wake up feeling like P Diddy, cuz P Diddy wakes up feeling like me. You may have heard from me on my friend's blog at http://tessabroketheinternet.blogspot.com/ as BEOWULF a couple times, but I've decided to create a separate blog dedicated to all the jacked, messed, or fucked up things in this world. So if ya'll like that kinda stuff (which I know you do. You sick bastards.) make sure to come down once a week to become a little more disappointed than you already were in this shithole we call home.